June 2011
0 posts
What's in Barry's Bag?
-sparkly banana hammock w/comic sans scrawl: “huff n’ stuff”
-glow sticks from sunday’s rave at SF Zoo ft. DJ Swami Sumant Swagga & The Detroit Dwarf Dance Troupe “Tappin’ Djabooties”
-Taco Bell napkins scribbled with B-man’s ideas for new nicknames: Shelf75, Jammasta Z, B to the To, BarZit, Mighty Mounder, Francine
-a 3lb weight
-Business...
Barryball Drinking Game
Fun factor: Off the chart
Disappointment factor: High
Drunk factor: Extremely, totally guaranteed
Directions:
set up shot glasses
set up some more shot glasses
fill with beverage of choice (or Barry’s favorite Gatorade® & Goldschlager®)*
cannonball shot every time 75 gives up a run
*can also play Sandoval Slammer. each time Panda fumbles, charge at burrito like Aretha Franklin at...
May 2011
16 posts
The Lost Barry Tweets, part 1
Thingz that go 2 great lenths: my pitches. My “randy” Johnson. How far I will travel to get the best cab cakes when I’m jonesin’. @#LMAO
April 11
Hangin’ w/homeyz Adrian Grenier, Jeremy Piven & Christopher Reeve THUGZ FOR LYFE!
April 11
O snap! scratch that last tweet, bitchez. Somebody just told me Chris Reeve is dead! #@LOL sorry homes! ICE COLD!
April 14
In AZ actin’ CRAZ-Y/when I’m on da...
Investigative Report:
New developments in the March 31, 2011 alleged car accident that put Giants pitcher Barry Zito in the hospital overnight:
Police found no skid marks or evidence that the second driver, Dino “knee caps” DiNardo, made any attempt to stop.
A photo captured by the stoplight camera just prior to the crash has been released.
Officials are investigating a new possible motive as Dino “knee caps”...
Things we could trade Barry Zito for:
1. BRUCE JENNER’S SWEATBAND
2. HUEY’S HAIRBALL COLLECTION
3. A DUMB BABY
4. LEFTOVERS
5. YOUR MOM’S MIXED TAPES
6. THE METS
Planet Zito's Moundtrack
‘Break Ya Ankles’ -ft. Shawty Lo
‘Once You Had Gold’ -Enya
‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ -Cher
‘Crash’ -Dave Matthews
‘These Arms of Mine’ -Otis Redding
‘Hold On for One More Day’ -Wilson Phillips
Jeremy Piven making laser sounds with his mouth
‘Rainbow Connection’ -Kermit
‘Slow Hand’ -The Pointer...
Zen Zito: a haiku
Early morning dew
Sunrise, a small bird fleeting
Much like my career.
Zima. Zito. Zima. Zito. just sayin'
Recipe for Barry Butter
A bowl of milk + a midget in one shoe on a skateboard + a recording of Jeremy Piven making laser sounds with his mouth + a picture of Tara Reid
Shake vigorously. Spread liberally.
winner of the Most Expensive Sports Spectator...
Dear Paris Hilton,
The thing is, I love what we had, but what we had wasn’t love. It’s great that you remember the good time we had together, that night at the Gatorade®/Smirnoff® party.
You were so hot with your miniskirt and pink-eye. And I love how you tried to chew my food for me. But it’s over. I’ve moved on. And you should, too. So, I sent you back all the Chihuahuas you mailed to my house. Please stop calling...
I’d like to give a nod to the awesomeness of my comrade, Kelly aka Uncle Jekkt, for the super-fine photoshopping she performed on Barry.
Interests: collecting stuffed animals, the sun...
Me wearin' nothin' but my choners and my man-musk....
Mustache rides for $1?! HELLZ YEA! I can get 126...
Does this mustache make my herpes look fat?