-sparkly banana hammock w/comic sans scrawl: “huff n’ stuff”

-glow sticks from sunday’s rave at SF Zoo ft. DJ Swami Sumant Swagga & The Detroit Dwarf Dance Troupe “Tappin’ Djabooties”

-Taco Bell napkins scribbled with B-man’s ideas for new nicknames: Shelf75, Jammasta Z, B to the To, BarZit, Mighty Mounder, Francine

-a 3lb weight

-Business card for Bay Area Life Coach Jules “Jethro Tull” Nadir

-lip gloss, Sour Cherry

-Guitar Center application

Fun factor: Off the chart

Disappointment factor: High

Drunk factor: Extremely, totally guaranteed

Directions:

1. set up shot glasses
2. set up some more shot glasses
3. fill with beverage of choice (or Barry’s favorite Gatorade® & Goldschlager®)*
4. cannonball shot every time 75 gives up a run

*can also play Sandoval Slammer. each time Panda fumbles, charge at burrito like Aretha Franklin at chinese buffet.

Thingz that go 2 great lenths: my pitches. My “randy” Johnson. How far I will travel to get the best cab cakes when I’m jonesin’. @#LMAO

April 11

Hangin’ w/homeyz Adrian Grenier, Jeremy Piven & Christopher Reeve THUGZ FOR LYFE!

April 11

O snap! scratch that last tweet, bitchez. Somebody just told me Chris Reeve is dead! #@LOL sorry homes! ICE COLD!

April 14

In AZ actin’ CRAZ-Y/when I’m on da mound check my stance/teen girls all up in my pants/see my fast balls u better duck/126mill even though i

April 16

@ThugStudiosLA to record new single. Intro’d to singer named Enya. “Enya? I hardly know ya!” LMFAO@# MONEY!

Mar 22

YEA BOYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! CHIcKen wings delivers!

Mar 21

@Rite-Aid in Wilshire. Anybody know where to get paternity tests? Holla @ me!

Mar 17

Jean shorts RULE! @$$$

Mar 2

New developments in the March 31, 2011 alleged car accident that put Giants pitcher Barry Zito in the hospital overnight:

Police found no skid marks or evidence that the second driver, Dino “knee caps” DiNardo, made any attempt to stop.

A photo captured by the stoplight camera just prior to the crash has been released.

Officials are investigating a new possible motive as Dino “knee caps” remains in questioning.

1. BRUCE JENNER’S SWEATBAND

2. HUEY’S HAIRBALL COLLECTION

3. A DUMB BABY

4. LEFTOVERS

5. YOUR MOM’S MIXED TAPES

6. THE METS

‘Break Ya Ankles’ -ft. Shawty Lo

‘Once You Had Gold’ -Enya

‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ -Cher

‘Crash’ -Dave Matthews

‘These Arms of Mine’ -Otis Redding

‘Hold On for One More Day’ -Wilson Phillips

Jeremy Piven making laser sounds with his mouth

‘Rainbow Connection’ -Kermit

‘Slow Hand’ -The Pointer Sisters

‘I Love L.A.’ -Randy Newman

Early morning dew

Sunrise, a small bird fleeting

Much like my career.

A bowl of milk + a midget in one shoe on a skateboard + a recording of Jeremy Piven making laser sounds with his mouth + a picture of Tara Reid

Shake vigorously. Spread liberally.